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Copyright 2000-2006, Kimberly Chapman
This original work is available for distribution, provided the following: it is only distributed in this complete form, it contains my name and copyright, it is not altered during distribution without my consent, and it is not used to generate income for anyone without my consent. I would strongly appreciate knowing if anyone is widely distributing this in printed form.
Disclaimer: I am female. I have written this document in terms of being female, because that's all I know how to be. I do not intend to exclude men in any way, shape or form by this document, and men are free to interpret it to fit themselves. Furthermore, many of the traits of the BQDG are things that are celebrated as positives in men but negatives in women, so I feel it's important to encourage women in these traits perhaps moreso than encouraging men. This document is also designed as advice and guidelines for adults, not children; it is up to parents to encourage what they consider to be positive traits in their sons and daughters.
Welcome to my BQDG page. This is not my rant page, but rather a page dedicated to explaining what the term BQDG means to me, what responsibilities it carries with it, and how others out there can strive for BQDGliness.
Being a BQDG doesn't just mean you get to mouth off at everyone all the time. It doesn't mean you get to be cranky and use biological excuses. It doesn't mean you get immunity from responsibility and culpability, but it does mean that you aren't going to be anyone's doormat either.
Let's start with an examination of the four parts of BQDG and what they mean:
Being a bitch does not mean being an aggressive, nasty, overbearing person. There are those who will perceive bitchy behaviour as such, because some people perceive any honest, blunt, activist or steadfast behaviour by a woman to be negative, and thus attribute negative labels to the behaviour. It is up to you to decide what you consider to be aggressive, nasty, overbearing, and other obnoxious behaviours and strive to NOT be that. Use how other people treat you as a guide: if what someone does to you strikes you as obnoxious, chances are it will be obnoxious if you do it to someone else. So don't.
The bitch part of being a BQDG is the part where you stand up for yourself, your rights, and your beliefs. It's what gives you the strength to not turn the other cheek without having to resort to slapping back. It's what defeats obstacles in your way, be they people or otherwise, by applying willpower, blunt honesty, and other positive attributes. It doesn't mean throwing a temper tantrum when you don't get your way, but it means not letting someone else ride roughshod over you.
Sometimes as a bitch, you have to do things that are really hard in order to achieve a better state of being. "Hard" can mean emotionally difficult, physically difficult, or other types of challenges. Sometimes the difficult thing is a choice, which is covered in the Queen section. The reason it takes a bitch to do something that's difficult is because for every challenge you face, someone somewhere will be telling you why you can't or shouldn't succeed. It's up to you to stand your ground and say, "This is my decision. It might be wrong. It might be right. It might be both. But any way it turns out, I'm going to make the effort to do what I think is right for me."
A personal example would be how I ended up estranged from my family. After two weeks of agony thinking I might have a tumour on my spleen (that may well have been fatal lymphoma), I found out it was just a cyst, albeit a huge one. The doctor told me it was most likely caused by a blow to the gut many many years before. I instantly remembered the time my father punched me so hard that I thought I was going to die of suffocation, because try as I could, I couldn't inhale. I remember reaching out and supporting myself on my mom's dresser. I remember precisely how the corner of the dresser felt in my hand, because all of my senses were in overload as I struggled to breathe. I remember getting dizzy, I remember staggering down the hall, I remember being able to suck in a sobbing breath as I reached my room and I remember the dichotomy of relief and anguish as I continued to cry, because I knew it meant I wasn't going to suffocate.
Yet when I confronted my father on this, after finding out about the cyst, and offered the chance for a reasonable discussion IF he was willing to admit to having been physically abusive and IF he was willing to be open and honest, he denied this incident had ever happend. His reply was that I have anger problems, that I should seek psychological help, that my honest declaration of anger at my grandfather for drinking himself to death was a sign that I had anger problems, etc etc etc. Clearly, there was no room for open discussion, and there was no chance of issues being resolved.
Furthermore, my relationship with my formerly physically abusive mother had become a joke: she would spend significant energies attempting to manipulate me into arguments or guilt trips so much that my significant other at the time and I had elaborate signals and plans to stop her every time we were at my parents' house. He couldn't believe how obnoxious this all was, and I was tiring of it.
Given the unpleasant situation and my fervent desire to make sure my future children would never be exposed to physical or verbal abuse, I had to make the very difficult decision of getting these people out of my life. I was spending too much of my time in defensive mode, too much energy worrying and letting them upset me. My call for open discussion was met with false accusation, as confirmed by my significant other at the time.
So then and there, I stopped talking to them. Despite pleading birthday and Christmas cards from them in the next year or so, I remained steadfast: these people were not going to bring me down any more. Yet, this was a decision that I constantly had to defend, as it is considered a very bad thing in our society to not respect and obey your parents. My significant other's mother, who is a very friendly woman and didn't mean to cause me distress, frequently tried to convince me to go talk to my parents again, to let them back into my life. She didn't believe they could have been so bad as to warrant this "punishment" I was giving; it was, of course, not a punishment at all. The point was never to punish my parents, but to stand up for myself and do what was right for myself and to protect my future children.
Now, my new husband's mother, who is also very nice and doesn't mean to cause me distress, has also suggested that in time I will forgive them and want to be a family again. It takes my bitchiness to be firm and say to the world, "No! If my parents want to be in my life, they have to change and accept MY terms, and I will not reintroduce myself to manipulation, denial and other ills just to satisfy other people's concept of family."
While that is an extreme example of being a bitch, there are other daily ways that you can manifest bitchiness to a positive for yourself, such as:
Those are just a few examples, but I hope they're enough to illustrate the point of being a bitch without advocating that the reader go out and piss people off for no reason.
Being a Queen in the sense of the BQDG doesn't mean you get automatic power over anyone but yourself, but it precisely means that you DO have power over yourself. That power comes with responsibility: if you screw up, you're the one that did so. Motivating factors might call for mitigation of whatever penalty is due, but if you can't admit you screwed up, learn from it, and pay whatever price is fair then you are NOT a Queen. Even Queens in the royal sense have to bear responsibility: if a monarch causes the fall of her nation because of her conduct, she has to bear the consequences such as revolt, loss of power, a wretched legacy and possibly death. However, if a monarch does all in her power to save a doomed nation, she at least will be known and hopefully remembered for her valiant attempts.
Being a Queen in the BQDG sense can mean leadership, if because of your BQDGliness others choose to follow your ways. But remember that that power is always earned, never a right, and if abused will disappear as fast as the wind.
Ruling yourself means accepting that your mind, your body, your being and how those things interact with the world are all under your control, unless you have a disability that results otherwise. But even for the disabled who may not be able to control part of their body, their body is still THEIRS to rule over, even whilst being assisted. If you have a physical ailment that causes you to inadvertantly strike out your left arm, and that arm hits someone, it would be ridiculous to consider you culpable for that action. However, being a Queen means taking responsibility insofar as a polite apology, an explanation if the person doesn't understand, or otherwise interacting with the world to the best of your abilities.
Note that the term is Queen and not Princess. A Princess is a child and in need of guidance, and may not be able to make appropriate decisions regarding her mind, body, being and place in the world. That is perfectly acceptable and necessary for a child, but if you want to be a Queen, it's time to grow up and rule yourself.
A BQDG does not restrict her mind's thoughts because of what society or other controlling institutions deems inappropriate. You are free to think about what you want, fantasize about whatever you like, etc. Of course, doing so at the wrong time is an error in judgement, and one you should be prepared to atone for. If you daydream while driving and cause an accident, that's your fault. But aside from that, the thoughts themselves should be free. No opinion or faith that is untested by freedom of thought is worthwhile, but an opinion or faith that has been subjected to the questions of a thinking mind is something worth holding. And you're allowed to think about things that you would never really do. It's one thing to get over an anxiety by fantasizing about doing something nasty, and quite another to do the nasty thing. Better to let the thoughts out and work out that they're inappropriate as real-world actions than to repress them until you explode. If you want to fantasize about having sex with goats, go for it, as long as you remember that in real life that would be abusing an animal that is incapable of communication consent. It's kind of like having a free theatre in your head, and the movies always carry the line, "Nothing was actually hurt in the making of this fantasy."
When you're a Queen as part of being a BQDG, no one gets to tell you how what to do with your body. No one gets to force medical treatment on you if it's against your beliefs (ie transfusions to a Jehovah's Witness), and no one gets to withold it because of their beliefs (ie abortion). Likewise, your body shape is what it is, and if you want to go nuts dieting and exercising and whatnot because YOU want to change for YOU, that's great, but no one gets to tell you you're fat, you're skinny, your breasts are too big or too small, etc. Everything regarding your body is your decision. If you think you're too overweight (and that means YOU thinking it, not society and fashion magazines thinking it for you), then there are extremes you can go for to reduce that, including starvation and surgery. Those aren't decisions I'd agree with, but I'm not you. It's YOUR body. And if you think your breasts are too small, it's YOUR decision to surgically enhance them.
But remember, because it's all your decision, it's your responsibility for the consequences! If the breast implants go rock solid or turn out to be poisonous and you were properly informed of that risk, it was your decision to do it, if you're a Queen. If you weren't properly informed, that may reduce your responsibility, but it depends: were you uniformed because you failed to do research, because you rushed into a decision, because you failed to ask questions? Or were you uninformed because you were lied to by trusted sources? Only the latter alleviates culpability in this scenario, if you're a Queen.
Ruling your body also means you get to determine when and how you use it for sexual purposes. If someone gropes you without invitation, take control. Just because you're married to someone or dating someone does not give them license over you sexually. You can ALWAYS say no. Just because you're kissing someone doesn't give them the right to grope you. But remember the responsibility: if you invite someone to grope you and they do, it's most unfair and unQueenly to then slap them for it. If you touch someone in a provocative way and they touch you back in a similar and equal fashion, that's called fair. If you have a stop point, it's up to you to make that clear upfront, and not expect the other person(s) to be a mind reader. Of course, just because you dress a certain way does NOT give anyone license to touch you; showing cleavage is not an invitation to touch breasts, etc. Someone paying for your meal does not entitle them to have sex with you. That's your decision. Saying you'll have sex with someone and changing your mind later is fair, but only if you let them know you've changed your mind when you change it. Saying you'll have sex and then crying "assault" in the middle of it when you have in no way communicated a stop is unfair. The best way to communicate is always clear verbal language. It's not necessarily fair to expect someone to interpret your vague body signals. Say no when you mean no. That's your responsibility and your right.
If you decide for whatever reason to start smoking, that's your right as a Queen, but all of the negative aspects are entirely your responsibility unless someone physically forced you into nicotine addiction. Queens do not succumb to peer pressure: they deny their peers, find other peers, or go it alone in order to protect their rights. Queens do not succumb to media pressure, they make their own decisions. Only sheep-people succumb to media pressure, and a sheep-person is not a Queen. Thus, a Queen who has smoked does not sue tobacco companies to pay her damages; she might, however, sue tobacco companies in order to help others not start smoking. A true Queen, if she sued a tobacco company, would donate the settlement to anti-tobacco causes. Or a true Queen would accept her responsibility and not sue in the first place. The exception is someone who started smoking before is was common knowledge that it could kill you, and there aren't many people left that have been smoking for that long.
And on the smoking issue, a BQDG will stand up for her right to pollute her own body (using the bitch aspect), but she will also stand up for the rights of everyone else NOT to be polluted. That's taking responsibility. That's also incorporating the Goddess aspect of respecting the environment: if you're polluting the air around you such that others are affected, you're not being a BQDG. If you're smoking around children, you're most CERTAINLY not upholding your Queenly responsibility. And if you decide to quit, be a bitch and make it happen; don't whine about how addictive it is, because you're the one who started in the first place and you'd have to be pretty dumb to not know these days that it's addictive.
Deciding things like quitting smoking is also an aspect of being a Queen. Sometimes decisions are difficult, but if you don't make them, nothing but stagnation happens. If you want something done, make the decision to do it. If something isn't worth doing, make the decision to drop it. But either way, make a decision. You have the right and responsibility to change your mind, but even doing that is a decision. When the time comes to change your mind, accept that you were wrong or things have changed, admit that it's a change and don't pretend the new decision was always what you thought, and go on. Don't waffle. Queens don't waffle.
This doesn't mean you should be making rash decisions. Decisions should be contemplated, thought out, and worked on. There's a big difference between procrastinating a decision and allowing your mind time to work on the problem. BQDGs try to recognize the difference.
Another part of being a Queen as a BQDG is following the rules that you make and believe in. It is most unQueenly to decide that everyone should treat you a certain way and then completely fail to do likewise for others. This includes everyone and everything, such as children, animals, and the environment. If you don't like to be hit, don't hit children. If you don't like to have sticks shoved at you or be locked in a cage, don't do it to an animal. If you don't like having your lawn trashed, don't dump your waste in the river, ocean, desert, forest or whatever. Remember, as a BQDG you also don't allow yourself to be walked on, so if someone is hurting you, you should defend yourself accordingly. But there's a balance here that a fair Queen will understand: a misbehaving child who says something rude doesn't warrant an adult striking them, but a child who is attacking an adult with truly dangerous force might necessitate some form of physical defense. An animal that is minding its own business doesn't deserve your attack (unless you're hunting for food, of course), but an animal that is attacking you warrants defensive behaviour. Dumping your trash where it doesn't belong is not nice, but if as part of a protest to force your local government to institute better/more recycling programs, it might be fair to bring your recyclables to the city hall.
The rules also don't get conveniently overlooked for a Queen. Fair is always fair, and while its definition differs from person to person, it's your responsibility to determine what you consider to be fair and adhere to that. Queens sometimes have to acknowledge that things they personally don't like are at least fair.
Finally, a Queen shows leadership in a way that isn't necessarily rewarding. Take this site, for example. My attempt here is to illustrate what I believe is a good way for other women (and men too, I suppose, though that's not the prime target audience) to live their lives, but unless a reader emails me, I'll have no knowledge or reward for the effort. I'm doing what I believe to be right because it's right, not because it makes me a guru with followers. If someone comes to a BQDG for advice, instruction, or other help, the BQDG should do what is reasonable to help according to what the BQDG believes is right and fair. This might mean, for example, that a pregnant friend asks you for your opinion on her having an abortion, and although you might not think abortion is right in your own moral scheme, if you think it would be in her best interest, you would say so. You can be a good person under your religious faith and still accept differences in others, but more on that in the Goddess section. The point here is that you lead by honesty and example and do so for the purpose of creating a better world, not for personal gain. If you happen to gain personally from it, cool, but that should never be the motivator for a true Queen.
Also, being a Queen means you're not going to force that leadership down anyone's throat. Again in the example of this page, it's here for others to read or ignore. It is my place as a BQDG to do what I think is right, but not to force others to do what I think is right.
Let me start off right away with this: demon does NOT mean evil. It does not mean nasty. It does not mean something shadowy from the depths of hell, or any other religious meaning. In the context of a BQDG, it is closer to the definition here in Webster's dictionary: "a divinity; of uncertain origin...A spirit, or immaterial being, holding a middle place between men and deities in pagan mythology." Of course we're all human, so the literal definition isn't an exact fit, but the Demon in BQDG is a creatre of self-controlled chaos, following her own rules, being the person she wants to be without restriction, and being open minded to change.
Of course, the Demon aspect has to fit in with the rest of being a BQDG; that is, you can't go around killing people if it suits your purposes at that moment, because as a Queen you also must obey the rules and laws that you expect to be enforced for others. However, as a Demon, you shouldn't obey rules you believe are inherently wrong because that violates the Demon rule of being who you are. Hence the difference between civil disobedience and lawlessness, and a complete BQDG should try to understand that difference.
It can take a certain amount of courage to be a Demon, since it's usually much easier to quietly go along with what everyone else says. But if you incorporate the bitchiness into the Demon, you can learn to do what you think is right every time, instead of just when it's what everyone else agrees on. In fact, much of what it takes to be a Demon in the BQDG has already been covered under the bitch section. It's not the same, however: there is a chaotic element to being a Demon that prevents being stuck in a mindset. A bitch can be everything described in that section and still be unwilling to accept or initiate change. A Demon uses the bitch techniques and rules to change herself or her world when change is required.
Another aspect of the Demon is a fervent application of ones' self towards a goal. The Demon is unrelenting in her desire to do what she thinks needs to be done, no matter how difficult it is.
Being a Goddess, like being a Queen, does not entitle you to ridiculous amounts of power over everyone else. It does, however, mean that you have responsibility for the power that you do have over yourself and your world. In particular to the Goddess aspect of the BQDG is the responsibility to the environment and the planet. Just because you can pollute doesn't mean you should. Just because it's easier to throw something away than to recycle it doesn't make it right. As a Goddess, you do what you can to prevent environmental degredation. This doesn't mean you have to camp out in giant trees to prevent logging (although that's wonderful if that's a way you decide to change your world), but it does mean that you accept your responsibility as a citizen to do everything you can on a daily basis. That means recycling paper, plastic, glass and metal, even if it means driving it to your local depot, or campaigning to have your local government provide recycling facilities. That means not driving cars that are known to be bad for fuel consumption and pollution, such as most sport utility vehicles, and likewise that you maintain your vehicle properly to prevent it from spewing more toxins than necessary. It means not dumping waste where it doesn't belong, and minimizing what waste you produce anyway. A Goddess uses soaps and cleaners that reduce pollution and tries to conserve energy where possible.
While no one is asking you to be a one-woman crusade against waste (although kudos if you are), remember that as a Bitch Queen Demon Goddess you will fight for the environmental protection you believe in and not accept people around you polluting if you can change the situation. If your workplace doesn't recycle, be the one to start the recycling program. There's a chance you'll be labelled as an activist, as a pain in the neck, but remember, those are negative ways of just calling you a bitch!
A Goddess does not destroy things without a plan to rebuild them somehow. Do not fight what you consider to be an injustice if you can't come up with a better way of doing things. A personal example: I don't like affirmitive action because it's insulting to the gender or race that benefits from it. If you get hired for a job because of your skin tone, that's as stupidly racist as NOT being hired because of your skin tone. However, affirmitive action exists because, unfortunately, there has to be some kind of protection against nasty people who do exclude on the basis of race and gender (and other things). I can't think of a better way to prevent that other than to mandate that if a company has lots and lots of people and NONE of them are a certain gender or race, perhaps it's time for that company to examine its hiring policies and see if it's being racist or sexist, and correct it. So I don't fight affirmitive action, because try as I might, I can't think of a reasonable, better alternative.
In other words, if you have a need to cut down a tree, do please make sure you intend to plant another one elsewhere. Leave the world in an equal or better state than when you entered it.
This stems from another important aspect of the Goddess: creativity. The whole concept of creation, be it a child, a craft, a flower garden, muffins, a work-related document, etc., is essential to the Goddess. It doesn't mean you have to be artistic, but it means you should be using your brain to think of new things and do them, or to improve the things you already do. A secretary who thinks up a better way to manage a filing system is creative. A programmer who writes her code is creative. A doctor who thinks up better ways to treat patients is creative. You can be creative too and think up ways to be creative yourself.
A Goddess is also a spiritual being, even if that means that your spiritual position is that you don't believe in life after death or any such thing. The process of coming to that belief is a spiritual one as much as any other belief. Nomatter if your faith is part of an organized religion or just a mishmash of your own thoughts as picked up from here and there, considering it often and testing it against new ideas is important to a true BQDG. But remember, also part of being a BQDG is not forcing your ideas on anyone else. If you wish to convert people to your way of thinking, do so by letting them voluntarily accept the new concepts, not by forcing them in any way. Religious-book-thumpers are not BQDGs. Also, since a Goddess is a spiritual being, she accepts that other people have different religious viewpoints. A BQDG would not, for example, be rude to Jehovah's Witnesses that come calling, even though the BQDG probably wouldn't choose such a forthright manner of conversion. A BQDG would understand that to the Jehovah's Witnesses, they are spending their time trying to do what they believe is good and right even in the face of social pressures against them and slammed doors in their faces. A BQDG would respect this, even if she didn't agree with it.
If part of a BQDG's beliefs tell her that abortion is wrong, that is fine. She might wish to let it be known that she believes this, and she shouldn't lay down and accept people bashing her for her stance. But likewise, she should not go and spit on women coming out of abortion clinics, because that is forcing her beliefs on someone else. An appropriate BQDG action against abortion would be providing a place for pregnant women to come voluntarily for consultation and assistance, and accepting their eventual decision either way. A BQDG values control over her own body, and thus must respect the right of others to the same claim, even if it flies in the face of her personal beliefs.
As part of accepting the beliefs of others, a Goddess also helps others reach their individual enlightenments, even if it's not consistent with her own stance. A BQDG of religion X would not hesitate to support the religious event of her friend who happens to be part of religion Y. If the BQDG believed that her friend was being damaged, hurt, or threatened by it, of course the BQDG would be honest and forthright in expressing that opinion, but always with the understanding that the decision is up to the friend. A Goddess divulges information freely, but does not expect others to take heed of it. This can be very difficult, but it is important.
As you can see, being a BQDG is a series of tradeoffs between freedoms and responsibilities, some of which can end up challenging or even cancelling each other out. This means that all BQDGs will at some point fail some of the criteria in order to uphold other parts. Also, since BQDGs are all human beings that make mistakes, it's inevitable that she'll screw up and do something not in keeping with this philosophy.
Failure is acceptable.
Any philosophy that expects you to be perfect is unrealistic, and one that you should seriously question. A BQDG who fails does not stop being a BQDG, provided she recognizes the error or problem, admits when she is wrong (especially to herself), and learns and goes on to do better next time. This cycle of error and learning has a simple title: life. Life isn't perfect, and neither are you. Accepting your imperfections and learning to work on them will make you a stronger person, and is very much part of being a BQDG. Of course, what you consider to be your imperfections and what others consider them to be can be very different. There are people who consider my imperfections to be things like blunt honesty and being steadfast in my beliefs, but as I said in the bitch section, I consider those strengths. There are those who consider that because I am a larger dress size, I am imperfect. I consider that an aspect of who I am, and neither good nor bad. But I do have faults that I do acknowledge, and I work on them. There are plenty!
In summary, being a BQDG means being who you are and not apologizing for it, but being respectful of other people doing the same. You don't have to like or agree with someone else's ideas in order to support their right to have those ideas.
Copyright 2000-2006, Kimberly Chapman
This original work is available for distribution, provided the following: it is only distributed in this complete form, it contains my name and copyright, it is not altered during distribution without my consent, and it is not used to generate income for anyone without my consent. I would strongly appreciate knowing if anyone is widely distributing this in printed form.
Page last updated June 18, 2006.
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