Corky and the Juice Pigs on "Laughing Matters"

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Corky and the Juice Pigs on "Laughing Matters"

Transcribed by Ryan and edited by Kimberly Chapman

(They run out on stage)

The Man Who Thinks He's Jesus

Sunday he was talking to the masses,
Monday he was raising up the dead, (PU!)
Tuesday he was turning water into Beaujolais
And he said we had our choice of white or red.

Wednesday he was walking on the water
As he helped my father fix our swimming pool.
Thursday I saw him down by the local pub,
But he couldn't find a place to park his mule.

The man who thinks he's Jesus,
Lives next door to me.
The man who thinks he's Jesus,
Fixed my colour tv. (Tell us about him Greg)

I try to give him money
But it falls right through his wrist.
With just an ounce of vodka
He can get five thousand pissed.

He always heals my grandma,
Although she's never sick.
If you want two thousand lepers
He can get them really quick.

The man who thinks he's Jesus,
Lives next door to me.
The man who thinks he's Jesus,
Fixed my colour tv. (Tell me about it, Sean)

We always invite him over,
To play Monopoly,
But he's afraid that if he loses,
We'll nail him to a tree.

He has a funny penchant
For wearing a crown of thorns
But I don't really care
As long as he fixes grandma's corns.

"Dance, dance, wherever you may be,
I am the lord of the dance" said he.
"And I'll lead you all wherever you may be.
And I'll come to your house and I'll fix your tv."

Aaaaaamen.

Basketball

Up and down the street he bounces
Waiting for someone to pass,
He's the guy with the special problem,
He's got a basketball ass.

Basketball,
Basketball,
Basketball ass.

Basketball,
Basketball,
Basketball ass.

(Whistle "Sweet Georgia Brown")

Ooh, Space Jam.

Buddhists

Ladies and Gentlemen the Buddhist Monk Singers sing the hits of the 80's!

Girls just wanna have fun
Girls just wanna have fun
They just wanna
They just wanna
Bong!
Girls just wanna have fun

Circus Freaks

Well, my mother was a mule,
And my father was a squirrel,
My sister's a boy,
And I am a girl, and we are:

Circus Freaks
Circus Freaks, yeah
Circus Freaks
Circus Freaks

My mother was the bearded woman,
My father's the bearded man,
He never made much money.

Circus Freaks
Circus Freaks, yeah
Circus Freaks
Circus Freaks

My wife is a lobster
And my daughter is a snail.
I melted butter.
They're scared.

Circus Freaks
Circus Freaks, yeah
Circus Freaks
Circus Freaks

The Schitzophrenic Dance Theatre presents: "The Songs of Hans Christian Anderson"

I'm Hans Christian Anderson
I'm Hans Christian Anderson
No, I'm Hans Christian Anderson!
No, I'm Hans Christian Anderson!
No, I am!
Hey, Stop talking about me.

These Things Don't Go Together

I need a Viet
I need a Viet
I need a Vietnamese girl.

I need a Fiat
I need a Fiat
I need an Italian sports car.

I need a Evita
I need a Evita
I need a Evita Peron.

I need a Evita, and a Viet, in my Fiat alone.

These things don't go together,
Like Anne Frank and Adolf Hitler
Don't go together, very well

I need a Cheetah
I need a Cheetah
I need a primate side-kick

I need a heater
I need a heater
Because my apartment's cold

I need Aida
I need Aida
She's an Egyptian slave girl

I need Aida to teach my Cheetah, how to turn my heater on.

These things don't go together,
Like Charles Manson and ice cream-eating weather
Don't go together, but they rhyme.

I need a two-seata
I need a two-seata
'Cause my wife's having twins

I need a Rita
I need a Rita
I need a Rita Moreno

I need a Tita
I need a Tita
It's a Vietnamese milkshake.

I need a Rita to push the two-seata, so I can drink my Tita.

These things don't go together,
Like talent and Corky and the Juice Pigs,
Don't go together, very well,
Very well,
Very wellllllllllllll! (badly off key)

Phil: Thank you very much. Now, ladies and gentlemen, theatres like this theatre, Le Bluma Appelle theatre, Le Bluma Appelle...

Sean: Le Bluma Appelle theatre, oui.

Phil: Theatres like this, in fact, theatres all over Canada spend millions and millions of dollars on security systems that fail to deter crime. Well, we've come up with a solution and an alternative, which we like to call, "Insecurity," and this is how it works:

Greg: Alright pal, Open that safe and give me all the money!

Sean: Oh great! my first day as a security guard and already I'm getting robbed! What a miserable failure I am not just as a security guard, but as a human being as well. I might as well go and kill myself.

Greg: No. Hey, hey, hey. Come on, look, you know it's not that bad. In fact, I'll just go and rob someone else and we'll just forget this ever happened. Ok?

Sean: Thanks a lot!

Greg: Take care of yourself ol' buddy.

Phil: We train our guards in the art of confusion:

Greg: I want all your money!

Sean: Are you sure?

Phil: And we play upon the criminal mind's latent paranoia:

Greg (holding Sean hostage): I'm sick of this crap! Open the safe and give me the money now!

Sean: Lower, darling.

Phil: Yes, Insecurity, why not let us do the worrying for you?

Skateboard

I put a wheel in her right hand
I put a wheel in her left hand
I put a wheel between her legs
I used my grandma as a skateboard

And we went up and down,
We went round and round,
We did the alley hop,
We did the acid drop, oh

Went down a hill and we took a spill and now
Grandma is dead!

The Adults from Charlie Brown sing Gangsta's Paradise!

This is a song we wrote while on tour in the Yukon:

Eskimo

I'm the only gay eskimo.
I'm the only one I know.
I'm the only gay eskimo, oh oh.
In my tribe.

I go out seal hunting with my best friend, Tarka,
But all I wanna do is get into his parka.

I'm the only gay eskimo, oh oh.
In my tribe.

Well, me and Nukflukchukbuk, we both like blubber,
But me, I got this crazy fetish for rubber.

I'm the only gay eskimo, oh oh.
In my tribe.

I make a wish on the northern lights.
That I could find a decent pair of whale skin tights.

I'm the only gay eskimo, oh oh.
In my tribe.

And the seals they sing now:
(Seal Noises)

These cold winter nights are taking their toll,
I even get excited when I see the north pole.
See the north pole.

I'm the only gay eskimo.
I'm the only one I know.
I'm the only gay eskimo, oh oh.
In my tribe.

And like the Proclaimers would sing it:

I'm the only gay eskimo, eh oh, eh oh,
I'm the only one I know, eh oh, eh oh,
I'm the only gay eskimo, oh oh.
In my tribe.

Like Bob Dylan:

I'm the only gay eskimo,
Only one IIIIIIII know
I'm the only Gayyyyyyyyyy eskimo.

Like, like Portishead:

Only gay eskimo.
I'm the only one I know.
Only gay eskimo,
And nobody loves me.

Like Rick Ocasek from the Cars:

I'm the only gay eskimo, uh oh, uh oh
I'm the only one I know.
I'm the the only gay eskimo,
and he used to be mine-ine-ine-ine-ine.

Like Oasis:

I'm the only gay eskimo...
(They start attacking each other)

Like Van Morrisson:

I'm only gay eskimo.
(muttering)
Jesus Christ fits in there somehow as well,
And the crack was good.

I'm the only gay eskimo. (Only gay eskimo)
I'm the only one I know (only one I know)
I'm the only gay eskimo, oh oh.
In my tribe.

Page last updated in July, 2004.

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